Angels On The Moon

I have to stop. Im making the decision to stop doing the things I am doing. Its not me.

I guess its a good thing nobody reads this.. because you would have no idea what im talking about, or maybe you would.

I have a favorite song right now. I can't stop listening to it, it really does speak. One of my friends died yesterday, she was 26, she had cancer. This song really speaks about that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWcXuu16ttc

Im so unhappy with my life and the choices im making, but at least I get to change them. Every day could be your last day here.. were all one second from our knees. So, don't hold back, don't have regrets, live.

I do feel hypocritical saying that, because its hard to live that way when you have been hurt by choices you made. But I know when you live it comes with the opportunity of getting hurt. Whether your letting go completely and letting yourself fall into a career, fall in love, or fall into the most exciting adventure of your life. There is a chance of failure, getting hurt somehow, and that makes it scary. There is a little voice inside that tells you to run, pull away, stop, do what's safe.. but then there is another voice, its smaller, that tells you to take that leap.. dont be a coward.. because it could be the most exciting thing you have ever leaped into. - this song also says that to me as well, somehow.

So, let's do it.

Uncertainty

What is it about the rain that makes all your thoughts spring into action?

Everything in my life is evolving quickly. Which is what I want it to be doing, but I know that some of the things I am doing to preoccupy my mind, or take my mind off of other things, aren't making me happy in the least bit, they are actually making things worse.

I know what I am choosing to do now should be replaced with God. Church. Bible Study.. but I don't understand God right now. I don't understand why some things are happening, and while there has been a lot of times where I don't understand, I just can't shake my constant sort of anger at Him. I know this is okay, because he is my Father, and He understands, but it still bothers me, being angry.

How do you force yourself to stop thinking about something? It's odd actually, and something I can't understand. Lately, I have gotten a new job, signed a lease, am moving to a new city, agreed to start modeling, am interior decorating, and still working my other job.. yet, I still find myself not occupied enough to stop having the same thoughts.

I know what I need to do in my life. I know what I need, which is what I have done or been doing lately, but what if the thought of what I want to do won't go away. It's a constant, and I don't understand it.. I guess maybe I'm not meant to.

"I cant keep my hands from shaking and stumbling through the wreckage again.."

Life, lately.

I've been trying to get my life on a schedule lately, you know going to bed at a certain time, getting up early, working out ect.. I've been trying to do things to put myself on some sort of track, hopefully a track of success. I'll let you (permitting people are actually reading this) know.

Thus far, I've accomplished my goals. The whole getting up and working out every day thing is going so far so good, the moving situation (Ft. Worth -then- L.A.) is surprisingly all laying itself out, and something I've really been wanting to do is get a model photo shoot done (the whole 9 yards from makeup, hair, wardrobe ect..) just because who doesn't want to know how they would look and if they could ever get anywhere by modeling. (and No, I am not talking about fashion runway modeling, I do realize I am not 5'11 . 102 pounds, but for Ads, Shows & Promo type things). I've looked at a lot of places to do it, but I've never done anything like it before, so traveling somewhere big to have a high end person do a photo shoot scared me, because I have zero experience. Then, this week, someone contacted me, wanting to meet me, so I went out on a limb and met them. Conclusion, I met with the photographer & makeup artist, who have already contacted people in Dallas and L.A. about me to do promotional stuff for them (releasing my photos per me agreeing), and they are going to do the shoot (hair, makeup, wardrobe + 700 shots with touch-up), for FREE- and I like that word.

I hope my shoot goes well, I'm a little nervous, but I have a few weeks to prepare.

Lately, with everything falling into place, I've realized that being on top of things in your life, success, and anything else doesn't really mean much when you don't have someone special your dying to tell all of it to.

* Oh, and I have a new obsession with blueberries and whipped cream ;)

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting....

A Tough Call

Would you rather hurt than feel nothing at all?

-really think about it.

"Forgive, sounds good - Forget, im not sure I could"

This is how I feel lately. My life has changed/is changing a lot. Im moving, finally, and with that a new chapter of my life starts. New surroundings, new people, new start. But what if it's not, what if my past follows me, all I want to do is get away from it, forget.

What do you do when you have this problem? When you want something to go away so bad, when the very thought of this "thing" makes you feel like you cant breathe, when you just want to forget it. - I've been pondering this dilemma for a few weeks now, 26 days actually.

But then thoughts hit me.

I think of how it could have been, if I would have run away when everyone else said I should have. I will admit there has been times where I regret alot - but then I think. How can I regret the past, for it has laid out my future.

Is it odd to think that one day can change the rest of your life. My instance, one night. One night and I wasn't going to go out, and I did, and it changed the rest of my life. Most nights aren't like this, their mundane, routine, fun, but not life changing. This night led me to the last 10 months, which among everything else, still led me to my best friend.. which led me to the place to which im now moving.. which led me to my new job.. which now, will lead to my new life. So forgive, yes, I'm trying to. Forget, never. But I guess I can't feel so awful about it anymore.

Today, on a test for my new job, one of the questions was: "Do you believe most people are honest and trustworthy."

- I changed my answer 4 times.

I refuse to let events of my recent past dictate that for me, that was my final answer. So yes, I do believe that. Another question I got asked by my best friend: "How long do you think it will take you to trust someone new"

-My answer: If you know me at all, probably not long.

Is this bad?

-I want to believe most people are good. I know the signs now, I know the untrustworthy stare, the excuses, I know what it is like to be lied to over and over and over. So, will I proceed with caution, yes, but will I let the events of my past change or decide how I view everyone else, I hope not.