You have to remember what you deserve..

My blog title almost speaks for itself. It can be applied to almost anything. As a girl, we forget this a lot of times. I've grown up a lot in the past month, I've had to. This past weekend I got through my biggest fear, dealt with it, all on my own. I was out of town, and all by myself. That was almost a landmark in my adult years, because as anyone knows, dealing with the thing that scares you the most, especially when you have no one supporting you, is not an easy thing to do. But it showed me how strong I actually am, how strong I have become. Because the emotional turmoil I've dealt with over the past few months, and the "finding of myself" i've had to do all over again, has shown me what I can overcome and what I can get through. This "thing" as I will call it, the emotional mess, is trying to work itself back into my life. Its not fair, it never is. It's a constant struggle within my mind and within my heart not to let this "thing" back in. I want to, I feel the pressure to, but I wont, because I simply now know what I deserve.

I hate being confused.

I'm at a crossroads, and I have no idea which way to turn. I know what I should do, I know what my mind is telling me to do.. but when it comes to my heart, something is different. I think? How do you know for sure? What if something or someone happens to you that changes you, not in a good or bad way, but just does.. to the point where its not easy just to let go. I realize its never easy to let someone go that you care about.. but Ive done it before, several times before. And this time I can't. I don't know why. It wont go away, this pain, this wonder, this confusion, all of it. It wont go away. My life is together in every other way except for this, except for him. I want this part of my life erased. I want one of those things like in "Men in Black" where you click it at your head and it erases your memories of something. That may sound like it would be bad, to erase the memories, but as long as they are there, as long as he is there, I cannot fully move on. Its never taken this long, its never been this way. Is anyone out there that knows what im talking about? At all?