Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here..

Sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where You want me to
God, I trust You..

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You..

So come on you gotta wait for the light.. Press on and just fight the good fight..

because the pain that you've been feeling

its just the hurt before the healing..

someday soon.

One day, there will be a guy who understands everything that you have gone through. And One day there will be a guy that loves you in spite of that.. and all of the flaws that encompass you, because of what you've experienced, he will embrace them, accept them, understand them.. because it brought you together.

Each day gets closer..

So hold on to hope, Love.

Every new day is another chance to change your life.

"Its hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. But knowing that things were meant to happen to bring you to the place you are now, that's the beautiful thing about life. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into a stream that give you the chance to use something amazing from it."

Its hard to move on from your past, let go of certain things.. but the hardest thing, in my opinion, which you would think would actually be the easiest.. is learning from your past, and not bringing the negative things with you to the future.

Its been a struggle for me, things that have happened to me over the past couple of years- its hard not to bring that with me into my life now. I dont regret anything, and I am grateful for what I went through, it made me stronger, better, wiser and eventually a lot closer to God. Which, isn't that what were ultimately here for? However, Ive found myself struggling a lot lately, trying to let go of certain things, change certain things.. but how do you? How do you go through experiences that bring you to your breaking point and not let it affect your future relationships? They've affected mine. As much as I try to push thoughts away, feelings away, I can't.

I walk in constant fear that its going to somehow replay itself, wondering if I could handle it again.. I know I have to stop thinking this way, because it is ruining the things I have now, but how do you stop..

"Someone comes into your life and half of you says danger, pull away, you are nowhere near ready.. and the other half says, make them yours forever.."

This quote resides with me everyday.. as stupid as it may be. Its completely true. I want to pull away from anything that could remotely hurt me the way that I've been hurt before.. my reactions to certain things show that. And unless someone knows what I've been through.. they wouldn't understand.

..but.. The truth is, no one is ever going to fully be ready after facing certain obstacles that change them. Face each day as a new day.. learn, adapt, and know what you want.. then fight like hell to get it. And even when you think your ready.. the truth is your probably not, your going to fail at what you want, who you set out to be.. learn some more.. realize even more, then do it all over again.

The complexity of life.

- Im re-starting this blogging process. To hopefully revamp my life. There is a lot I've learned in a short period of time, and the way current things had to work out in order to bring me to this way of thinking is pretty crazy. Ask me how I know Jesus is around.. because He always brings me back to this point, where I make extensive realizations.. and things had to happen just right for me to see them. -

"Every New Day is Another Chance to Change Your Life...."

"You can't focus. Jumping every time your phone rings. Checking your texts a hundred times a day. Wishing you could write songs. Feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations...."

I want this.

Feeling Behind?

“God gives you just enough time to do His Will. If you always feel behind, you’re trying to do more than he intended.” - Rick Warren

What usually happens is that when we feel behind, we work harder, which creates more stress, & we work longer, which creates more tension in our personal life. It’s a vicious cycle.

One way to tell if you’re doing more than he intended is to evaluate whether or not you are spending sufficient time doing the things that He has said are most important. How’s your time with God each day? How’s your time with your significant other? How’s your time with other believers? If your answers are “very little” or “non-existent,” you are doing more than he intended & neglecting the things that He’s said are most important.

Get on a schedule & prioritize the most important things. If you don’t, the most important things will take last place & you’ll look back on your life with regret.

A stopping point.

There comes a point in everything you do.. well, everything that you put serious effort into, that you just hit a wall. You're done. You can only put so much effort into something before, if you don't start seeing a change, you quit. Which is where I am. Today. After, well, too long, I've hit that wall.

I dont think its hard to fight for something, at least not to me anyways. If it matters to me, I will fight for it, until I just can't anymore. So, therefore, I don't think the hard part is fighting, I think the hard part is letting go. It's a process that is applied to everything in life. Although, to all those readers out there, I would recommend fighting until the very end for anything you want in life worth having.. because if you don't, you will quit with regrets. You may get burned, but fight fearlessly until you hit a point, and you will hit it, trust me.

Then, just let it go. Life is too short to waste who you are on something, whether it be tangible or not, or someone.. it really is. This may be your last week to live, how do you know it's not? So, fight for whatever it is that enriches your life, and let go of the things that you know you need to let go of.

Confliction

Im at a crossroads.. I need to revamp this thing. There is so many things I want to do.. so many thoughts go through my head in a day about the person I see myself being and the things I see myself doing.. Im trying to make a vision board, but why can't I finish it....

Why do we hold on to things we know aren't good for us? Good thought to ponder in my opinion. And people may argue saying to just let it go if its not good for you.. but if you take a step back you will realize that you're doing it too..

But maybe these things inspire you, push you, give you strength you never thought you have, make you think like you never have, make you feel things that you didn't know you would..? Maybe.

- there is alot of things I hold on to that aren't good for me.

Its strange where we get inspiration from..

P.S. I officially love Tori Spelling and her adorable life.. she reminds me of myself, if you would like to see what that is, watch Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood.

I need a fearless love

Don't need to fear the end

If you can't hold me now

You will never hold me again.

I want to live my life

Pursuing all my happiness

I want a fearless love

I won't settle for anything less.


"When I watched you walk away well I never         thought I'd say... I'm fine without you"

Love.

My life has fallen into place. I love where I live, I love my house, I love getting to model, I love it.. I love adventure and spontaneity.. but doing it all alone, that's where I don't love. I'm ready, completely ready to fall in love again. I'm ready to feel that happiness. Excited to get up every morning just because it means I get to see that guy.. Im ready.

"Love is just love, it can never be explained"

I've been dating since I was 14 years old, so where are you. I want to fall in love again.. fearlessly. When I am accomplishing my goals, living out my life I can't help but want to share the excitement of it all, have someone to love to experience it too. I'm ready to do all the adventures, spontaneous things, crazy things, laugh, cry.. with you.

Whoever you are.....

"The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything to get in your way"

*Pain is the fuel of passion- it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess. Pain is God's megaphone. It is God's way of arousing us from spiritual lethargy. Your problems are not punishment; they are wake-up calls from a loving God*

Small Delicacies

Im getting nervous, things are finally real. My best friend left today.. and Im leaving in 4 days, moving. My whole new life is about to start, and its what I've wanted for 53 days now.. a whole new start. And now that its happening, im scared to death.

I know I have to take this first leap though. Moving, its not the same as leaving home and traveling around, Im making the decision to make a new life somewhere. With this move it makes me think of everything that really matters to me in my life. I will take the memories I have created here over the last 23 years.. and especially the ones I have from the last 5 of college. I've come to realize the small delicacies in life through this thinking.. and something I wish everyone could live by, don't spend your time looking towards that next big thing you want to do, relish in moments. I will never forget the small moments I shared with my best friends dancing in the living room throwing flour all over ourselves, or laying in bed with the guy I loved all day just watching movies and laughing about everything, how amazing I felt.. these small things, that seem so insignificant at the time.. moments that I could have passed by because I had something bigger, and appointment to make, things to work on, emails to send, but I didn't, I relished in them. I know people that seem to be rushing through life, always looking towards that next thing. One day, you will realize how much those moments, or that person, meant to you.. but it will be too late.. they will be gone, and that appointment, work, email, phone calls, wont seem so important anymore.

My mom's best friend, who is like my second mom, has been given 2 weeks to live.

What do you when you are given a time limit on life? I know that the old saying is to live each day as if it were your last.. but that is so much easier said than done. But something to think about.. what would you do if you had 2 weeks to live? Who would you see, what would you do, where would you go...? And how do you know you don't only have 2 weeks to live, why aren't you living that way now?

"So turn around you're not too far to back away be who you are, To change your path go another way, It's not too late you can be saved. If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights you hope to forget can disappear they can all be washed away.."

Some things to ponder..

The Bible does not say the way to Heaven is by following rules and going through rituals and motions, the Bible says the way to Heaven is to KNOW Jesus, to have a personal relationship with Him. Not making sure you’re following rules, but following Him.

Scholars say Homers "The Illiad" is considered to be 95% accurate to this day, and there have been 643 copies written, out of all the copies, only 3 falter from the original :: If you include fragments there are 25,000 copies of the New Testament written, and scholars say "The New Testament" is the most reliable ancient document in history, and is considered to be 99.95% accurate, meaning out of 25,000 copies, only .05% falter from the original.

Archaeological Discovery. Two historians, Nelson Glueck & William Ramsey, were determined to find out that they Bible was not reliable. At the end of their journey this is what they said: “let it be stated categorically that no archeological find has ever controverted a Biblical reference."

The Bible is the only book written over a 1500 year period, on 3 continents, with over 40 authors who addressed over 100 controversial subjects.. yet the story remains the same. Every time.

Billions of people claim that they have read the book and it has radically changed their life. They find meaning and purpose and joy and fulfillment and peace. People die proclaiming its contents.

So, Jesus lived, this we know. This is what historical accuracy tells us, but the main question, is Jesus the divine power? This is the atheist argument.. Lets state some facts.

Prophecies.

• 25% of the Bible is prophecy (there are about 2500). In the Old Testament 200 prophecies were made 500 years before Jesus was born. Jesus fulfilled all 200 prophecies during His lifetime.

• The chance of JUST fulfilling 48 of these prophecies is 1 X10 ^ 57th power, AND according to Barellies Law anything beyond 1X10 ^ 50th power is scientifically impossible.. yet Jesus fulfilled ALL 200. Please, question that.

• Just a few He fulfilled:1. He be born a virgin 2. He be a descendant of Abraham 3. The exact price he would be betrayed for 4. He would be beaten and spit upon 5. That people would gamble for his garments 6. That he be crucified with the transgressors.. just to name a few. ALL of this was prophesied over 500 years before He was even born! How would they know this? Crucifixions didn't even happen during the time this was prophesied....

Confirmation that God, NOT science, created us.

Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, described the eye as one of the greatest challenges to his evolutionary theory. In his book On the Origin of Species, he admitted, "To suppose that the eye with all its inimitable contrivances... could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree."

• The human eye possesses 130 million light-sensitive rods and cones that convert light into chemical impulses. These signals travel at a rate of a billion per second to the brain. How could so many intricate components independently evolve to work together perfectly when, if a single component did not function perfectly, nothing could work at all? So for all of you who think we were created by atoms and cells, your telling me one day a single cell formed this one tiny little intricate part of the human species.. even Charles Darwin says that couldn’t be true.

• The theory of evolution cannot explain why we pursue intangibles like beauty and higher spiritual yearnings. Our minds are far too complex to have arisen passively or accidentally.

"A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education"- Theodore Roosevelt

I could go on about this stuff all day.. all night.. all week.. but if your more genuinely interested, visit this site.....

http://www.reasons.org/fulfilled-prophecy-evidence-reliability-bible

Angels On The Moon

I have to stop. Im making the decision to stop doing the things I am doing. Its not me.

I guess its a good thing nobody reads this.. because you would have no idea what im talking about, or maybe you would.

I have a favorite song right now. I can't stop listening to it, it really does speak. One of my friends died yesterday, she was 26, she had cancer. This song really speaks about that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWcXuu16ttc

Im so unhappy with my life and the choices im making, but at least I get to change them. Every day could be your last day here.. were all one second from our knees. So, don't hold back, don't have regrets, live.

I do feel hypocritical saying that, because its hard to live that way when you have been hurt by choices you made. But I know when you live it comes with the opportunity of getting hurt. Whether your letting go completely and letting yourself fall into a career, fall in love, or fall into the most exciting adventure of your life. There is a chance of failure, getting hurt somehow, and that makes it scary. There is a little voice inside that tells you to run, pull away, stop, do what's safe.. but then there is another voice, its smaller, that tells you to take that leap.. dont be a coward.. because it could be the most exciting thing you have ever leaped into. - this song also says that to me as well, somehow.

So, let's do it.

Uncertainty

What is it about the rain that makes all your thoughts spring into action?

Everything in my life is evolving quickly. Which is what I want it to be doing, but I know that some of the things I am doing to preoccupy my mind, or take my mind off of other things, aren't making me happy in the least bit, they are actually making things worse.

I know what I am choosing to do now should be replaced with God. Church. Bible Study.. but I don't understand God right now. I don't understand why some things are happening, and while there has been a lot of times where I don't understand, I just can't shake my constant sort of anger at Him. I know this is okay, because he is my Father, and He understands, but it still bothers me, being angry.

How do you force yourself to stop thinking about something? It's odd actually, and something I can't understand. Lately, I have gotten a new job, signed a lease, am moving to a new city, agreed to start modeling, am interior decorating, and still working my other job.. yet, I still find myself not occupied enough to stop having the same thoughts.

I know what I need to do in my life. I know what I need, which is what I have done or been doing lately, but what if the thought of what I want to do won't go away. It's a constant, and I don't understand it.. I guess maybe I'm not meant to.

"I cant keep my hands from shaking and stumbling through the wreckage again.."

Life, lately.

I've been trying to get my life on a schedule lately, you know going to bed at a certain time, getting up early, working out ect.. I've been trying to do things to put myself on some sort of track, hopefully a track of success. I'll let you (permitting people are actually reading this) know.

Thus far, I've accomplished my goals. The whole getting up and working out every day thing is going so far so good, the moving situation (Ft. Worth -then- L.A.) is surprisingly all laying itself out, and something I've really been wanting to do is get a model photo shoot done (the whole 9 yards from makeup, hair, wardrobe ect..) just because who doesn't want to know how they would look and if they could ever get anywhere by modeling. (and No, I am not talking about fashion runway modeling, I do realize I am not 5'11 . 102 pounds, but for Ads, Shows & Promo type things). I've looked at a lot of places to do it, but I've never done anything like it before, so traveling somewhere big to have a high end person do a photo shoot scared me, because I have zero experience. Then, this week, someone contacted me, wanting to meet me, so I went out on a limb and met them. Conclusion, I met with the photographer & makeup artist, who have already contacted people in Dallas and L.A. about me to do promotional stuff for them (releasing my photos per me agreeing), and they are going to do the shoot (hair, makeup, wardrobe + 700 shots with touch-up), for FREE- and I like that word.

I hope my shoot goes well, I'm a little nervous, but I have a few weeks to prepare.

Lately, with everything falling into place, I've realized that being on top of things in your life, success, and anything else doesn't really mean much when you don't have someone special your dying to tell all of it to.

* Oh, and I have a new obsession with blueberries and whipped cream ;)

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting....

A Tough Call

Would you rather hurt than feel nothing at all?

-really think about it.

"Forgive, sounds good - Forget, im not sure I could"

This is how I feel lately. My life has changed/is changing a lot. Im moving, finally, and with that a new chapter of my life starts. New surroundings, new people, new start. But what if it's not, what if my past follows me, all I want to do is get away from it, forget.

What do you do when you have this problem? When you want something to go away so bad, when the very thought of this "thing" makes you feel like you cant breathe, when you just want to forget it. - I've been pondering this dilemma for a few weeks now, 26 days actually.

But then thoughts hit me.

I think of how it could have been, if I would have run away when everyone else said I should have. I will admit there has been times where I regret alot - but then I think. How can I regret the past, for it has laid out my future.

Is it odd to think that one day can change the rest of your life. My instance, one night. One night and I wasn't going to go out, and I did, and it changed the rest of my life. Most nights aren't like this, their mundane, routine, fun, but not life changing. This night led me to the last 10 months, which among everything else, still led me to my best friend.. which led me to the place to which im now moving.. which led me to my new job.. which now, will lead to my new life. So forgive, yes, I'm trying to. Forget, never. But I guess I can't feel so awful about it anymore.

Today, on a test for my new job, one of the questions was: "Do you believe most people are honest and trustworthy."

- I changed my answer 4 times.

I refuse to let events of my recent past dictate that for me, that was my final answer. So yes, I do believe that. Another question I got asked by my best friend: "How long do you think it will take you to trust someone new"

-My answer: If you know me at all, probably not long.

Is this bad?

-I want to believe most people are good. I know the signs now, I know the untrustworthy stare, the excuses, I know what it is like to be lied to over and over and over. So, will I proceed with caution, yes, but will I let the events of my past change or decide how I view everyone else, I hope not.

"I've been burdened with blame.. trapped in the past for too long. I'm movin on"

Some things I've learned:

• When God tries to show you that a relationship is bad for you, don't stay in it to try and fix it yourself. There are signs, don't ignore them. "There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to destruction" -Proverbs 13:12

• I am a woman of principle. I not only have a learned knowledge of who I am and how I should be treated, but I also have an understanding. I know who I am in the eyes of God and I understand my worth. I am firmly committed to not living beneath my privilege. "NEVER settle for less than God's best for you"

• I know where I am going and I know what I want, and I won't land until I see my destination and get clearance from God "Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain, but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord shall be praised (Proverbs 31:30)

• When you allow the love of God to change your nature and transform you into the principles woman he intended you to be, you blossom into a beautiful flower that others will want to admire. And the beauty of a flower is that it just is. It doesn't bend over backwards, it doesn't perform, buy gifts, make phone calls, or make the first move. It doesn't do anything special to get attention. It just stands tastefully in its place.

• LOVE looks patient and kind. Love looks honest and truthful. Love looks determined to go the distance. Love looks hopefully and enduring. Love looks like it holds on no matter what. LOVE does not look jealous or proud or rude. Love doesn't look irritable. Love doesn't look like a quitter, and it never looks as if it loses faith in the object of its affections. God wants women to be treated in the same way He treats us. "God so loved the world that he gave his only son" - So, if God felt giving was necessary to prove his love for us, what should we expect from men?

• If a man is not completely submitted to God, he will not have the capacity to love you in the way you want to be loved. He will be moving in his own understanding instead of being led by the Spirit of God. This leaves you at the mercy of someone who has no accountability to anyone other than himself for his selfish actions. Find a man who's heart is so tuned into God that he won't mistreat you because he knows that God is holding him accountable.

• Do NOT be a missionary dater. Meaning: you cannot change or fix a man. Only God can do that, so let him be the missionary not you. Instead, focus on inspiring and empowering him to rise up and be the man that God has ordained him to be, and when he doesn't. LET HIM GO.

• Lastly, don't remain in situations where it's clear that you are not being appreciated for the gift that you are. You are the gift, don't hang around a guy who thinks he's doing you a favor by being around and gracing you with the privilege of loving him. Get rid of that guy.

All the terrible things that a man you love does to you are only done by someone who never understood your value. He wouldn't recognize love if it walked up to him, slapped him in the face and spelled out his name. Who needs that guy? The only true love that guy will be finding is himself.

Reflection- atheism

In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as

atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships.

The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for

maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship—be

it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four

Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles—is that pretty

much anything else you worship will eat you alive.

If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in

life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the

truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always

feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths

before they finally grieve you….Worship power, you will end up feeling

weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb

you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will

end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.

— David Foster Wallace, Commencement Address to Kenyon College

just keep livin.

Take hold of your own destiny and mold it the way you want to. You won’t remember the times you just let life happen, but you always remember the times you broke your own mold and did things out of your own comfort zone.

::Every step behind you is a memory. Every step ahead of you is the next step in your life. You never know what each step will bring your way. So just put one foot in front of the other- and Just Keep Livin::

In Response to: "Letter to a Christian Nation"

I believe Jesus is God, that God came down in human form as Jesus

The author begins with acknowledging that we (Christians and non) are in agreement that if one of us is right then the other one is wrong. I completely DISAGREE. I think that something had to start everything, a creator had to have created this existence, but yes I do believe that science and evolution have also partaken in the creation of this earth as it is today as well, survival of the fittest, its still going on every day.

I do believe that the Bible is the word of God, however, it is also the word of alot of different men, biblical men, but nonetheless different men. I do not think every single thing in the Bible is factual, because it did not come directly from God’s mouth, He did not place this book on earth written soley by him, Mark, Matthew,John.. all of these men told their accounts as well.. and we all know when told things through anothers accounts.. it may not ALL be true.

I do believe Jesus offers the way to salvation, considering he did go through torture and death so that we wouldn't have to spend eternity in Hell. Most atheists I have spoken to believe that Jesus died upon the cross, BUT they do not believe He was the son of God or that He died to save us, or that He actually did die. Okay, so then the belief is some crazy man who could work miracles on/for people, was born and then went through torture, hell, was beat, and did it willingly, just because he was crazy and thought he would save people? NO. Jesus died for You, so that You wouldnt have to go through what he went through. He does not owe you a thing, he already paid the biggest price. I feel like there is alot of people who think God owes them something.

This man, Harris, says that people have written him to say that he is wrong not to believe in God. I do not believe at all that this is the Christian way, much less the worldly way to approach that. Things happen in the world today and to people that would make anyone who is human question God. We have brains that work.. we all wonder. Anyone who says they don't,. lie. If you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. It's through the questioning and finding answers that makes your faith become unshakable. People have their reasons for not believing in God, as Christians we are not to judge them, but to listen, understand, inspire them to believe again, bring them closer to God.. not to judge, nor tell them they are flat out wrong or call them out.

To be honest, out of the nonbelievers, their biggest critiques of us as Christians come from the fact that we are supposed to be loving, understanding and forgiving, like Jesus. Yet, so many Christians are so judgmental and close-minded, how is that showing God’s love, it’s not. So before you call out a nonbeliever for being wrong, maybe you should evaluate why they don’t believe, could you be the problem? Im a guilty of this myself, because we so badly want to shake someone who doesn’t believe, but I have come down a long road, and realized it is not that hard to throw in the towel and not believe God works for the good of those who love him. It takes strength, fear, and a lot of understanding, but most of all Faith. Faith is very easy to lose however, especially with the way of the world now. So don't blame the non-believers, if you want to judge, keep your mouth shut. If you want to be a Christian about it.. help them, inspire them. Examine why you are a Christian in the first place.

One of my main points to nonbelievers is that God does not cause bad things to happen in this world.. People do.

And the main thing ive heard from non-believers is that Christians, and the hypocritical judgmental ways they project, is what makes them not believe. Christians are to be the image of God, so don’t claim to be a Christian and then judge someone or make someone feel bad about their ways. Listen, Understand.. prove them wrong.. the way Jesus would.. not the way we as humans lash out these days.

Alone or Together?

It took a long time for me to be able to open up to people. I used to be shy and scared and never show any kind of emotion whatsoever. Through different experiences and relationships, however, I have become more open, more willing to show what im feeling.

But what happens when you want to turn that off. What happens when you want to shut down, to numb yourself, to make yourself not care anymore, to go back to being that person who doesn't want to share anything. How do you do that?

And which way is better?

Doing it alone, not letting someone in, working out your struggles by yourself, but knowing that because you don't you will miss out on maybe something great?

OR

Letting someone in, not doing it alone, but also taking the risk of rejection, hurt, stress, pain..?

What do you do? Do you trust everyone? Do you pick and choose who you let in, how do you know?Because you can't be open sometimes and closed other times, it's who you are, you either want to show emotion and you let people in, or you don't, you numb yourself, tell yourself you can do it alone. Which way is better? Which consequences are worse?

Consider Me Gone.

Do you know that song "Who's That Lady?" It's a song referring to a woman of principle. A woman so confident in who she is that she floats through a room without so much as a backwards glance at the guys who treat her like she isn't worth all that she knows she is.

I want to be that girl.

I haven't been for quite a while, it's crazy how love blinds you to things. It's even crazier when the blinders come off and you realize what is actually going on. A woman of principle has a learned knowledge of who she is and how she should be treated, she also has an understanding of it.

I know who I am in the eyes of God and while, because I haven't been treated the most wonderful in the past, I don't have a complete understanding of my worth, I do know what I deserve and I do know that I am worth something, every woman is. And any guy who treats a girl like she isn't worth anything, is not a man of principle, and not a man you want to be involved with.

God's word says: "Find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies"

THAT is how God thinks of you, as a jewel. THAT is how you are supposed to be treated. THAT is God's best, and why would you settle for less than the best God has prepared for you?

Here is my favorite song right now, it sums up pretty much everything.

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather, I can feel you all but shutting down. And when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean, there is nothing i've ever tried to hide. So when you leave with me not knowing where you're going I start thinking that we're looking at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty, I think you owe that to me...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.

Just consider me gone.

It's Your Life.. -some favorite lyrics

You only get just one time around,
You only get one shot at this,
One chance, To find out,
The one thing that you don't wanna miss.
One day when its all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough,
This one ride, One try, One life...

Are you who you always said you would be?

With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way...

The Center.

When I was younger, and by this I mean a few years ago, when I would hear how you need to base your relationships with God in the center, and everything will be better, I didn't want to do it. I was young and thought that if that were the case then I wouldn't be able to have any fun in relationships. But I have grown so deep in my faith and come to so many realizations, so to all the girls out there that have pondered this, here are my thoughts.

Yes. Base your relationship with God in the center, for BOTH of you. If one of you has Him in the center and the other doesn't then it wont work, and don't try to make it, it won't. If He is the center for both of you then He will be the one both of you turn to first when things get hard, not each other, not other people, but Him. I feel that if He was in the center and the base of the relationship then infidelity wouldn't happen, lusting after another person besides the one you care about the most wouldn't happen, selfishness wouldn't happen, and most of all he wouldn't mistreat you, because it would be Him holding you accountable. And for me, that scares me more, God holding me accountable for my relationships, than my guy holding me accountable.

Find your best friend and run hard after God. All other things will fall into place.

I've been putting all of my heart into a guy who I would do anything for, and he can't even decide if I am worth it to stop talking to another girl for. I need to re-evaluate some things.

More than anything. This is what I want.

Reason.

Isn't it crazy when God shows you the reason for something, something you have been wanting answered for so long. It happened to me. It took 2 years. The feeling you get when it happens, the realization is overwhelming. It reminds you that He is there. And the craziest part, it always happens when God knows you need it most, not when you think you need it most, when He thinks you need it most. No one really knows why things happen the way they do in life. It's hard when they do happen, because it leaves your mind in a frenzy of questions, confusion. But, He always answers.

How do we know when God is showing us something or telling us something in life, or if it is just our minds telling us and we think its Him? This has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't want to be wrong. This is my life, my future, im making this life for myself, and I want Him to be leading it. But how do I know for sure it's Him? Things keep happening that throw me deeper into finding more meaning in God, which is amazing, and I know He let's these things happen and puts me in the situations because of that. I guess I just answered my question didn't I..

shocking.

Have you ever held someone's hand and when you did.. it was like a bolt of electricity went through your body? Just wondering.

"So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you, but you'll never know if you run away in fear"

A Favorite.

"That's what we do, we fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, you have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing. So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. We'll have to work at it, every day, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day"

This could actually be my favorite love quote. It applies to my life so well. You would think it would be bad to fight with the one you love, but I don't think so. How would you ever learn about each other and learn all of the different sides to each other if everything was always perfect. I'm not saying drastically fighting all the time is good, but arguing, because you love each other, because you would rather fight with them than be with anyone else, because you want to make it work that bad that you aren't willing to let them get away with things that bother you.. I think that's good. Just my opinion. good night :)

Impetuous.

I have succeeded in making myself physically sick because I am so emotionally sick. Has anyone else ever accomplished this before? And I don't mean just tired. I mean I have ran my body down so emotionally that I put myself in the hospital. Way to go me right. Ridiculous.

The best things in life are free? I don't think so.

I think saying the best things in life are free, is an untrue statement. Everything comes at a cost. Lets take love, the thing that would come to mind first as a great thing that is also "free". Love is free, most people would say, and love is probably the greatest feeling a human can comprehend. But how do you define free? Because to me, emotional costs are much worse than fiscal costs. Nothing in this life is free, and I believe the best things in life come at the greatest cost, with the greatest risk. For me, I would rather have the love of my life, than some billion dollar house on the beach. So to those of you that have found love, my advice, it is not free, not something that was just given to you. It is a gift, worth more money than I can think of. Cherish it, because when you lose it, it costs you the most, it costs you your heart.

Some would say God's love is free. True, but it still costs you. Because you have to endure pain and questioning, and sometimes even scorn and challenges because you accept this great love God gives.

Overall, my point. Nothing is free. Love is not free, it comes at a cost. So when you have it, cherish it. Don't question it. Don't tamper with it. Don't mistreat it. And most of all, don't let it go.

You have to remember what you deserve..

My blog title almost speaks for itself. It can be applied to almost anything. As a girl, we forget this a lot of times. I've grown up a lot in the past month, I've had to. This past weekend I got through my biggest fear, dealt with it, all on my own. I was out of town, and all by myself. That was almost a landmark in my adult years, because as anyone knows, dealing with the thing that scares you the most, especially when you have no one supporting you, is not an easy thing to do. But it showed me how strong I actually am, how strong I have become. Because the emotional turmoil I've dealt with over the past few months, and the "finding of myself" i've had to do all over again, has shown me what I can overcome and what I can get through. This "thing" as I will call it, the emotional mess, is trying to work itself back into my life. Its not fair, it never is. It's a constant struggle within my mind and within my heart not to let this "thing" back in. I want to, I feel the pressure to, but I wont, because I simply now know what I deserve.

kind of lost..

I hate feeling lost, like im not sure if this is where Im supposed to be or what Im supposed to be doing. I like my job, I like traveling.. but I feel like im missing out on something, like something is missing. I dont like this feeling, and im not sure how to fix it. I have narrowed down where I want to live, where I have to live, somewhere where I know people. Traveling around is fun, but not when you have nobody to share it with.

I hate being confused.

I'm at a crossroads, and I have no idea which way to turn. I know what I should do, I know what my mind is telling me to do.. but when it comes to my heart, something is different. I think? How do you know for sure? What if something or someone happens to you that changes you, not in a good or bad way, but just does.. to the point where its not easy just to let go. I realize its never easy to let someone go that you care about.. but Ive done it before, several times before. And this time I can't. I don't know why. It wont go away, this pain, this wonder, this confusion, all of it. It wont go away. My life is together in every other way except for this, except for him. I want this part of my life erased. I want one of those things like in "Men in Black" where you click it at your head and it erases your memories of something. That may sound like it would be bad, to erase the memories, but as long as they are there, as long as he is there, I cannot fully move on. Its never taken this long, its never been this way. Is anyone out there that knows what im talking about? At all?

What do I know of Holy..

Well.. this is my first post. I'm new to this blogging thing, but I have alot of thoughts so why not share. I've thought alot about what to write my first post about, so why not write about why I'm starting this. Alot of things have happened in my past, bad and good, but lately its been harder. I just graduated college, I have a job I'm unsure about, I refuse to date anyone because my last relationship was so bad, and Ive questioned God alot lately. However, through this questioning of God I keep getting tested by Him. Three atheists have challenged my beliefs in the past few weeks. Ive never been questioned before about my faith or about the existence of God before, until I doubted he cared anymore about me. Crazy how that works. But now I don't just want to prove it to myself, or secure my faith even more, I want to actually show how God works, how He created, that He created the earth. I WILL prove atheists wrong, and all unbelievers who simply say "if there was a God, why would bad things happen" or "who created God." I'll tell you the answers throughout these posts. I believe that evolution and Christianity go hand in hand, God created the earth, he is all wrapped up in our world, yet the world is evolving everyday. My research starts now. Ive been reading alot about the Bible, and I have recently purchased a book called Shocked by the Bible, and reading it is just that, shocking. Ill post my findings tomorrow.

So after all, what do you REALLY know of Holy?